Have you ever been chosen last? It's about the worst feeling in the world. You feel so insignificant and unloved. Unwanted. Humiliated. Now pretend you get to hear people chat; overhearing them, as it were, not intentionally eavesdropping.
Imagine you hear:
Gee, it's nice not to hear her...
Snicker.
Make the game go quicker...
Snicker.
A whole game without hearing her lovely voice...
Snicker.
If you are the only 'she' around, you are going to take that personally aren't you. That is going to cause big questions in your confidence.
It's shaken mine so it resembles the shattered glass that falls from windshields during or shortly after a significant motor-vehicle crash.
Were they kidding?
I'm sure they were. They were; weren't they?
Oh gawds; what if they weren't? What if they really resent my being a part of their evening?
Do they even know the angst they've caused? Probably not.
Especially if they didn't mean anything more than teasing.
Would they care?
Yes, I hope to believe they would.
But what if.
I really never want to be an issue; or be where I am not wanted. I don't want to be the centre of attention. I want to do my job and step back into the shadows.
I have no desire to have fun at the expense of someone else's enjoyment.
I wish this was easier.
Will I make too big a deal to mention anything?
Will it give more reasons for them to resent me? Do they resent me?
Should I approach each individually? Should I approach the moderator?
Is there anything to approach?
Do they care if I am a part of their evening or not?
I have felt like crying several times during the evening as my frustration level grew. If they are annoyed with me why don't they simply say so? Clearly. I can either alter the things that annoy them, or quit. (There are something's that are me; strangers aren't worth being someone I'm not for.)
Am I reading waaaay more into this than should be? Am I writing a novel where a short note on a bar napkin would suffice?
They were kidding, right?
insecure; yep that's my photo in the dictionary...
~khrys...
~*~*~*~