Hi!
I am feeling blue. Rather down-in-the-dumps – depressed, if you must.
I fear I’m losing my best friend. Or, well, my best acquaintance? I am rather shy, unsure of myself – low self-esteem, etcetera etcetera…
I don’t want to think I’ve done anything to change this person’s mind or friendly thoughts toward me. I just don’t know why, all of a sudden, this person is not chatting with me, and when they do they seem preoccupied, as if talking with me is a major chore or is taking time away from more pleasurable pursuits.
I can’t help these feelings, no use getting angry or frustrated. I’m sad. I don’t want to take up all of this person’s time – or even a tenth of it, but it would be nice for them to say ‘hi’ first once in a while.
I feel like I’m always intruding or dragging them away from whatever delight they are enjoying. Half the time I leave a lengthy message, usually broken up two or three paragraphs to give my acquaintance some topics that might erupt into a conversation. Most of the time these notes are ignored.
Or they’re answered several hours later with a sheepish, “Sorry, was busy sleeping; reading; playing games; chatting on the phone; internet was out;” or, well, you get the picture.
Okay, so they weren’t available. Life happens. I sit waiting for a response while trying to find things to do to pretend I’m NOT sitting waiting for a response. I have very little to do. As they say, “I have NO life.” I work from sun-up to sun-down, but I am usually able to answer a summons within a half-hour, at most, generally much sooner and sometimes I’ll deliberately wait so as not to seem too eager.
I feel like crying. FaceBook, at one time, was fun. Then they screwed it all up. Google+ has done even worse in trying to enable people to chat; now they want you to be a multi-universe conglomeration with stacks of cash, but no real NEED for the programs they offer.
I am bitter in my gloom. Oh, it’s not just my friend who is driving me down the path of tears, no. No, things in my physical world, (you know? That REAL world?), are putting immense pressure on me – things I would like to chat with my friend about, but they are too busy and, I’ve kind of lost that intimacy; that closeness that made me comfortable expressing my challenges to them.
It is quite discouraging. I’m happy, in a way, for my friend. They have found hobbies that interest and entertain them. I’ve no unhappiness about that – they deserve to be fulfilled, I just sort of hoped I wouldn’t be shunned and forgotten in the interim.
Yah, I’m a dark-cloud floating along listlessly with no real direction and no real purpose in life. Well, except to be the glue keeping the sanity in my business\household from exploding into a nightmarish battle. I can do that – it’s called being passive. Quite exigent on me as I cannot express myself honestly for fear of upsetting the apple-cart, so to speak. The last thing I need is for the thin-wire I tread to snap, plunging me into the chaotic astringent mire that bubbles just below the slim-film of sanity.
Perhaps this is the reason my friend no longer wishes to chat? Deeply sighing, I contend that that is probably the correct response. I guess if I want a friend who isn’t going to ‘become bored’ with me, I need to be vivacious, intellectually stimulating, and completely fake. I can do that too. I don’t like to. I want to be real. And, before you drive down that road, no, I do not chat exclusively about myself, or my quandaries. I try to engage in conversations to discover what my friend has been up to; what they are thinking, what their day is going to be like.
Lately, that has been like pulling teeth without anÓ•sthesia, involved and painful.
I feel a bit better. Writing always helps. It doesn’t change the situation, but I feel like I’ve been able to voice my dejection, even if no one is listening – apparently, I’m used to that.
Now to write something sunny, upbeat and incongruous to the way I feel. No point in wallowing in crap if you can pretend it’s a mud bath.
Hoping against hope my friend says “hi” today. (Yes, you are correct, I could contact them first, but I’ve done so several times lately and each time been ignored. There comes a point when you begin to get the message – or think you get the message – and you have to cut your strings and hope they’ll seek you out.)
Like the saying goes: “If you have something, set it free; if it comes back, it’s yours; if it doesn’t, it never really was.” I guess I’m setting them free. Fingers crossed that they’ll come back…
khrys…